Solitude in Realization

They say it gets easier with time
But its barely been weeks
Lost and hopeless
I really thought:
It would be better than this!!!

With every moment gone
Another tough battle prepares
A fight of solitude and sadness
But this time round
it is with myself, myself alone...

Night after night
Dogs cry into the darkness
Lights flash before my eyes
And I'm awake
Unable to fall sleep again...

Not wanting to cry
No one to talk to
Best friends nor my lover,
I hold these feelings and emotions tight!

Such is the reality of reality
Undeniable and an honest fact
But to trust is hard
To love must come easy?...

Truth

A lesson I will never learn!!!

Black Hole

This sudden black hole
A strange feeling
Of far across the world

The faint voice does not cry
A heart that is heartless
But once cared a bit too much

Gloomy skies
Buildings after another
Small tunnels and horses

Alone but not lonely
A city that does not sleep
But the language of love it speaks...

You and Me...

I once met a wonderful man
on a cold night in February
a perfect gentleman
and we instantly hit it off
Then soon enough we started to fall in love

From that day until now
We've been in love
and he was all I could think of...

9 months later we got married
one of the days I forever will cherish
Since then every day is happiness...

My hero, my kryptonite
A true diamond in my sky!












Thank You for giving my life and true meaning and bringing out the sunshine.
You've accepting me for who I am with all my flaws and made me a better person with time.

My outlook on life has changed.
and I am lucky to have you to love everyday...

Reason

A sad soul is always up past midnight.

I think it is a miserable feeling in the world trying to sleep when you've got a million things running in your head and you tell your mind to stop and even your heart tells you to do so because it has seen and knows you better than you think. I may never understand why I would never be the best when I thought I was most important . It's true what they say "We accept the love we think we deserve" and no matter how far we try to drift away from this truth, the fear of neglect is far greater. Greater than the feeling of the unknown or even drowning, rape, betrayal or murder. I have started to differentiate between alone and loneliness. The heart has its own reasons that even reason does not know.

What would it take to be wrapped up in his arms?
I cannot understand nor can I be empathetic
But I try hard to feel this glimmer of hope waiting to be ignited.

There is no light burning brightly at the end of the tunnel nor is there a wickering flame from a candle nearby. Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do the same for them. There will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right as what comes easy won't last and what lasts won't come easy. And sometimes you realize that the only mistake you make is in caring too much.

I am only human.
I bleed when I am wounded
I ache when I am hurt
I crash and then breakdown.

So whatever I decide to do I am going to make sure it makes me happy for everyone I meet is fighting a battle and I know nothing about it so I chose to be kind always. Often people think that being alone makes one lonely but I've realized that it is not true. Most times, being surrounded by wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

There are two types of people in this world:
(1) Those who say "I will believe it when i see it:" and
(2) Those who say "To see if, I know i must believe it"

So as  i try to drift back to sleep past midnight, it is said that those who don't sleep confuse reality with dream... Who are you?

Tattoos and Inks

So, this is what my next tattoo is going to be or at least what i am hoping along with some roman numerals which has the wedding date or something very significant...

My first tattoo was in April 2012 when I was still in Vancouver. I went with my friend Cameron who was braver than I thought (ha-ha) to this place called "Adrenaline" on Granville street. This place has quite the reputation for good artists and the sketches :) So I took my chance and got a tattoo that reads "MITAGPA" which is the Buddhist Doctrine of Impermanence and he did a pretty good job I reckon. 

Not too sure where I am going to get my next one but right now i'm thinking on the inner arm area which is going to hurt I know from all the reads online and according to the tattoo pain guide but I think it is going to be worth it after I get it. I just have to contemplate carefully just like I did on the earlier one.

As Thich Nhat Hanh beautifully put it "You are like a candle. Imagine you are sending light out all around you. All your words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. If you say something kind, your kind words go in many directions, and you yourself go with them. We are ...transforming and continuing in a different form at every moment..."

The Burning Candle

Some live the life which most people dream about. The lap of luxury, where everything goes right and there is neither trouble nor worry. But some live life so painfully as another day comes forth, another new fight and the struggle continues. Each day these people live towards this struggle and keep their hope hanging so that one day this would all be a dream rather than the harsh reality staring straight at their faces. They hear the screams of salvation calling from the heart with an open hand with day after day desolation but still there is no hope left for those who believe!!

There is a road which leads into these circumstances and down this road there are thousands of dreams awaiting and only opportunity can knock on the door. And this road is the one where the beggars and the choosers find their so called destiny from which they are saved in the light of faith for everyone to see.  This is when time passes by quick in the glimpse of a second and what’s left behind are the days of eternity where nothing else is left behind not even old souvenirs. For them the old statues stand still where it use to be and all one sees are the bleeding scars of humility, and hear the screams of salvation from this life calling from the heart.

It has been a long time ever since I saw such painful cries and the redemption of these people. This brings me back to the days I knew long before it even existed. The days which left me behind and went forth but now its over and it is time to vision things from a different light. Flashbacks of yesterday and faces of tomorrow still haunt me time to time and out of this desire I traveled miles high and low in search for what I have seen the world through these small eyes. For every living day I know it takes more energy out of me each time to see such suffering and discomfort to people in this world. As the candle burns I’ve learned one thing so far in my life to live your life but say a prayer for all that you’ve got and be grateful.

 And as the candle keeps burning pray for those who are less fortunate than how you have been with trust and honesty like you really meant it. Just follow your heart and swear by the ones that you love for it is a life for the taking that surrounds you which are full of liars and thieves. But it’s the truth that pulls you back to reality and through all the years and the painful tears; it’s been a mountain that I must climb. And for every living day it’s clear, I’ve turned a page in time. To live your life and say a prayer for all that you’ve got and be grateful for those.

-May 2007

Starry Night

Like Diamonds in the dark sky
A starry starry night
Shinning bright taking position
I stood in awe as I gazed upward...

They spoke to me in a language I somehow seemed to understand
At least for that very moment
Blinking endlessly trying to communicate..

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are...?
A burning sun? A planet or a speck of light
I can't tell just yet

You question my grounded beliefs
You even doubt my existence
Tonight I wish upon you
For infinite love and trust
So that I may start to believe again...

Anger

...and then there is more to it!!!

What do you mean by "Do you really want to know..?"
Skeletons in the closet??
You told me already one type of tale
And had me believe it too
Now there is more???

Unsure of what it means
And not wanting to hear the plain truth be told
It seems that:
It is all a game of Chinese Whisper
With an imaginative story

I refuse to know anymore or ask!
Huuusa!!!!!

Workout

With my trainer gone to Bangkok to sit for a trainer certification course for almost a month, I'm trying my best to stay motivated and go to the gym as regularly as I can like he was there.

I was motivated and did legs last evening which was painful. Even without a trainer a fellow client of my trainer helped me get through the evening with lots of aches and oohs.

14 days until the big day and I continue to remain motivated to go to gym with everything else around me especially with the wedding preparations.

Fire Escape

Like constellations aligned on my body
etched round and red with bumpy markings
Of sensations that itch to be scratched

One, two and many more emerge
Sourced from the smallest black dot
that scavenge and move on...

I've seen the place and heard about it too
A distant galaxy far off in the woods
enclosed by vines and bushes
As moods go astray
like ivy on a high concrete wall
climbing to spread across the top...

A blaze firing at every direction
Out of control from the core
I see ladders and I'm slowly rising
Or was I descending
I couldn't tell for sure...

Everyone was hurt or burnt
Miraculously we survived without any scratch
An omen to what is yet to come
I am choosing to believe that:
Everything happens for a reason!

Story Part I

The Beginning

It was the year of the dragon, twenty four years ago that in the high altitudes of Laya there lived a little boy with rosy cheeks. He was the youngest child in his family along with an elder sister. When he was one years old, his father died while trying to save his family against the brutality of the feudal lords and his mother and sister did domestic labour around the neighbourhood as it was their only source of revenue. The little boy was born in the village of Gasa, located high along the snow peaked mountains which were only accessible by yaks. The population was barely a few hundreds and they survived mostly by eating yak meat, cheese and rice that were brought up from Punakha during the summer months by the local traders. And those who could afford would exchange their local produces with the Tibetans along the border through barter system for spices and other rations that are not found in Laya.

Ever since that day, the boy’s mother knew he was destined for greatness as his birth was surrounded by auspicious and superstitious beliefs. The entire village witnessed a full prominent rainbow was around the sun and even the thick misty weather suddenly cleared out bringing much desired sunshine and warmth. The clear blue skies above the entire Laya community spoke of a miracle birth of a high lama but however, they could be mistaken this one time.  

The boy’s mother was overjoyed as her son was born on this very day and thus decided to call him Gesar. Before the boy was born, the village barely saw any mothers giving birth to boys for a long duration of five years as most women had miscarriages during pregnancy which gave rise to high mortality rates in comparison to neighbouring villages.  And ever since the birth, the entire village of slowly started to progress forward. Their crops and vegetables started to grow and the entire village came together as one community rather than individualistic. Even though it took a few years for people to change, they started to live together in harmony where everyone was willing to help and be there for one another. Neighbours started to grow closer and families were extended.

But things didn’t stay this way for long and it wasn’t until Gesar turned eleven when the village was visited by a mysterious looking man. His clothes were tattered but similar to that of a gomchen*, the outer skin of his hands was darkish brown almost black in color while his palms were strikingly pale white prominently displaying the palm lines. The texture looked almost like leather but had more resemblance to an old man with dirty, long uncut nails. His face was scrubby looking, hardly shaved and his shoes had several holes in them from walking miles after miles and his bag looked almost empty. When the village people had gathered to welcome this man he declared himself as a paow* who foresaw into the future and came to warn the people of this tiny village.

He warned the village elders about what is yet to come and not to let any of their children travel outside their village until they turned seventeen as there would be huge consequences which the entire population would face and if the word of warning is not taken seriously then they would soon all perish to be non-existent. Soon after the entire village held a meeting and decided to put signs and build walls to protect their children and their village from the evil that was yet to come.

Gesar’s mother Dema was frightened of the thought of having Gesar grow up in this tiny village as education was scarce limiting knowledge and opportunities for personal growth. Her main reason to send Gesar to Punakha when he was fifteen was particularly the death of her husband Tobgay who was brutally killed by the feudal lords. It happened when the lords increased taxation and demanded surplus revenue from their family and when he spoke back to defend them without any mercy he was brutally killed.  

Four years passed by and Gesar was now fifteen years old. The warning soon became a tradition as only those who turned seventeen that year could leave the village. Some returned with tales about seeing the takin in Thimphu, some even brought back electronics that fascinated the elders while the rest only spoke of beautiful men and women whom they fell in love with. Gesar was no ordinary boy as he taught himself to read and write without attending school as the only nearby school stood at the foothills of the mountain passes behind the high inaccessible snowy peaks. Dema was worried for her son’s future as he was truly gifted; some even believed him to be a reincarnation of a high lama that passed away a few months before Gesar’s birth.  

Weekend Bliss high up at 3060 meters

In the bliss of the given moment

with wind blowing through me

I spoke of Impermanence "Mitagpa"

High up on the mountains

with a view to die for

I stood on the edge and took a breath

The sun shone brightly

highlighting the blueness of the sky

and the greenery of the mountains

Even the clouds spread like art

As prayer flags fluttered every second...

Jet Plane

This is the end
A reason why goodbyes were even invented
It's not as hard as I thought

As I'm much stronger this time...

Honesty and expectation is the root of all evil
So you can't try to hurt me anymore...

Tomorrow,
A day when I'll be a better me
Renewed of my vows and promises
And when dawn breaks lose

You will be forgotten...

Amidst the thoughts and memories

11.10.12 will not be forgetten
Even the stars shine much brighter today
I'm sorry I never got the chance to know you,
For I am only a dreamer...

Sky is the Limit

Rim John said "Without a sense of urgency desire loses its value"
So I threw my heart over the fence in anticipation
Time waited for no one, not even me this time
All I had was moments to live by...

Imagine in a battleground you take cover
You hope your shield will protect and not expose
But knowingly you take the risk
And enter into this territory...

When do you know that you've gone too far?
Do you enjoy the little moments until then?
The summery heat adds up to the fiesta
So do you wait for a while or give in?

Taking the lust and hiding it behind green lushes
Strong feelings given the moment
lasted only for a while
But this time was very different...

The scorching sun and the time of the day
might have added to the quick decision
Then she waited upon this dreaded moment
Where the dead emotions moved...

We live in a beautiful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.

As time goes on you'll understand that what lasts, lasts and what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things and what time cannot solve, you have to solve yourself... 

Humility~

Often we judge people without even knowing them and most of the time one's perception of the person is completely different after we get to know them. 

So from now on, I've decided that I will not judge people before I get to know them as I could truly be wrong about them... 

#lessonlearnt

Eternal Flame

The wandering mist over the glistering lake
smothered my vision and my rational thought
Curiosity came with the given hour of darkness
and I stood alone questioning these thoughts...

Sixty minutes on the clock was all I had
Time was too short a date
Instead I held on to memories for sleep
Into the undisturbed fathom of the silent night...

Like a shiver to my heart
This fate played a powerful tool
Hearts skipping like it's playing hopscotch
Unsettled but surely excited...

Plans, expectations and disappointments
An end to a summer's day
Cold winds and clouds dimmed its brightness
For this feeling possesses eternally
even when summer seems to fade...

Day 1 : 6 kgs to 55

Well I'm back to cutting and eating clean at the gym with 5 days weight training which includes cardio and ab workout. As of recently, I started craving clean, have chosen a healthier diet, and set a goal for myself so that by 2014 I'll be the fittest I've ever been in my life. I've started to envision a stronger, healthier and happier version of myself. I'm on a mission to prove that one can get fit without taking steroids, unnecessary medicines but rather just straight clean eating, exercise and having the right mind.

To begin with, I've always had a problem with my weight. I remember at one give point I was even 75kgs back in High School and I have pictures to prove this. Then as I started to finish high school and go to college I started exploring eating good food with the wide range of varieties that were available in the local super markets in Vancouver.

But my journey to fitness didn't start until until I enrolled myself to the Gym seriously earlier this year in February with a personal trainer. I've seen tremendous results of what the gym and a trainer can do once you set your mind to it. I was 68 kgs while starting or even a few kgs plus and the last few months I've dropped to 61 kgs and have been floating around that weight since then. I was eating food that left me bloated, guilty most of the time that I often ended up regretting what I ate. The more I explored food, the more I knew about their benefits and I started to eat less processed foods and giving my body what it had missed.

So, I have decided to finally get off that stationary weight and drop down 5 kgs by the time I get married in November 2013 which is almost 1 month and 24 days (55 days) left.

My routine starts with cutting off junk food, snacks, biscuits (which I love) and by focusing more on fresh fruits, green vegetables, chicken breasts, tuna, and healthy nuts (almond, cashew).

In the morning around 6:30am I take a one hour walk on empty stomach and at 7:30am I take my first dose of Protein Shake (Cookies and Creme by Muscle Pharm) and head to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

My breakfast usually comprises of either oats with 2 egg whites and 1 yolk with a glass of fresh juice. This I take 2 hours after my protein shake so around 9:30-10:00 am. After Breakfast I take my omega-3 and Multivitamin. If i'm not eating oats I usually eat 2 pieces of toasts or a small cup of rice.

Then between breakfast and lunch I have a healthy snack on the go which is either cucumbers or a fruit.

For Lunch, I make sure I eat 100gms of meat and vegetables either cooked in olive oil or is boiled.

Then at around 3pm I either eat a Banana or a cup of yoghurt.

At 4pm I head to the gym to work out on weights, abs and 1 hours of cardio. The workout is finished with my second dose of protein shake at 6pm along with Vit.C and Calcium.

Then around 8pm I eat another 100gms of meat and vegetable or salad or dinner.

By 10pm I am already tired and in need of some deserving sleep.

So, this routine I follow for the next few weeks with allowing myself a cheat meal every 2 weeks and drinking lots of water throughout the day.

In the beginning I found my eating habits to be very difficult with minimum choices and not much of a variety to begin with but I did some research and started exploring other people's recipes for creativity and ideas. Since then, cooking has been fun and I've learnt not to associate food with guilt. Bottom line: I've learnt that in order to achieve desired results one must work hard. That I've found to be the key to happiness and self acceptance through that

So here's the beginning to 6 kgs to 55...

Thimphu Domchoe

Hectic Weekend

This weekend has been one hectic of a weekend in a long time. Had 2 weddings and a state funeral to attend on Saturday and another wedding on Sunday. Amongst all those had a busy family lunch at Dad's and later on went plant shopping for our glass house all the way from a Semtokha mountain top...

Here are some picture highlights:

Sunday Night Wedding #3

Saturday Night Wedding #2

Monday Morning Wedding #1

Flowers at Gayul Gardens

Dream in a Dream★

They say it was a 'sad sad day'
True to those words uttered..

Nostalgia followed by solemn Melancholy
An ode unsung to the brave soldiers,
When did today become the Black Friday?

While the rest of the world was grieving
I waited to dream in a dream
And I did, like the previous night.

It took me to places I'd never been
And promised me endlessly...

A vague silhouette drew me closer
Blurry face with no name
But I seemed to know of him definitely.

The feelings I felt were surreal
And even though it seemed new
I knew I had made yet another memory
Which questioned my integrity.

25 is the number that leaves an impression
Like an art on a canvas my stories are told
It includes you this time
But I just haven't written out your part yet..

Young or old doesnt matter anymore
Past or the future, we're all careless
Life is all about the NOW!
And how we make of it...

How many more nights would I dream or even dare to dream??

Line of Duty

On 2nd September, 2013 there was slight accident in Anakha, Haa which took the lives of 11 ammunition technicians of the RBA of the bomb squad as they were trying to dispose the expired ammunition as some were from the 1960's. But then something went wrong, bombs blasted, kileed a few and a lot of soldiers injured during the incident while a few were serious and admitted to the hospital. 8 Soldiers died on the spot while 3 died at the hospital.

So this morning along with my Office staff we all went to Lungtenphu to pay our respects to the 11 soldiers who lost their lives on the line of duty.
Quite surprised to find that, there were 3 familiar faces in the families that I recognized and it was really sad in fact how young each soldiers were. One wife of a deceased soldier was in continuous mourning as we went from tent to tent paying respects while some of the children were clueless and playing around chair to chair.

We were seated in the tent, had a cup of tea and biscuits and left all together...

The funeral is to take place on Saturday 11th September at the Dhuethey in Hejo. 

Police 48th Raising Day

Today I was initiated as a FOP (Friends of Police) member along with 121 other members who came from various backgrounds in terms of work and age. I can't say I'm the youngest but I was definitely one of the youngest in the group...The previous day we had an entire day of orientation getting briefed on the FOP program, awareness on domestic violence, drug abuse, crime prevention, fire safety, traffic situation, introduction to disaster, community patrolling and reporting in Bhutan. It was a long day that started at 9am and ended at about 5:30 pm in the evening. 

Learnt a lot surely but at the same time lectures from each division turned out to be very lengthy and there were lots of information packed away on multiple slides.

What was the highlight for me during this entire morning's program?

For me the highlight was watching the young juvenile inmates perform from the Youth Development Rehabilitation Center (YDRC) from Tshimasham. There was something about their performance that day.

Maybe it was the fact from where they came from but more importantly I think it was different because they were so talented. The boys were dressed up as Milerapa, hip hop dancers, girls, female actors in skits, tribal dancers, etc. 

This was far far different than watching any school concerts or performances because the kids not only performed whole-heartedly but they were enjoying every performance on the program. Some of this kids were addicts, murders, rapist, etc but when they came up on the stage there was something innocent about them. One would/could never imagine the crimes and the charges they are held up for. 

If only more people knew about the YRDC and how they are helping the convicted youth with rehabilitation. I was really touched the entire show and didn't even mind that it went up for 16 performances (more than one hour).

Instagram pictures

Since I've been posting a lot of pictures on INSTAGRAM, I've decided to pick a theme each day and post one picture a day instead of overloading my page.