Monday 25 December 2023

Will the real P please stand up! (Feb 2021-October 2023)

What is the use of feeling nostalgia when all I remember is not how hard he loved but rather how I was deceived? Looking back at the thousand pictures still stored on my phone, it all remains a memory. A memory that is soon forgotten due to my clouded memory. I let him step into my world from the beginning and let him experience my life for the last 3 years. I even took the leap of faith and risked by stepping into his world, but nothing turned out well as months went on...

I trusted you with my life and in the end, it looks like I cannot trust myself to love you anymore. Not only me, but my daughter trusted you as well. She looked up to you as a father figure when she had none and even called you Daddy...

I looked beyond our imperfections and went forth with us. I accepted the person you were and built upon this new friendship embracing what was yet to come but little did I know that it would be just a few years of knowing people for who they are. We accompanied each other for the last few months through all that we went through and managed to stay strong, yet we broke each other in the process. The red flags in the beginning should have taught me to be cautious of you but the voice inside of me chose to forgive you and carry on the hurt in silence. That was my despair, and you were not there with me to fight this feeling together to make me regain the trust that I had lost in the process. We wanted a love that will never dilute even when the waters get deep and dark. 

When I love, I love so hard and that is my weakness not just with you but with everyone I chose to accept into my life. You helped me conclude my instincts that people never change and that I should not try to change anyone to fit into my life. You added something to my life over the last two and half years, and even though we were not meant to stay together for longer than our time together I chose to let go. I grew to be comfortable in your comfort and I grew to be understanding of the lies you fed me when really, I thought that this was really us going forward.   

I hope the times you walked alongside me and the memories we created will live on through the vivid moments we had and even though friendships eventually die, I hope the friendship I made with the SG I knew back then in 2021 will be a reminder to you because reality was what brought us down. I cannot change you, only YOU can do that for yourself and not anybody else. All I can do is remind myself constantly and continue to be kind always... 

I don't know what is sadder and heartbreaking than knowing that over time I will slowly forget the little details of you until my memory is hazy, blurry like a dream I once had and cannot remember anymore. I hope you find peace and comfort knowing that you were loved deeply and truly by me when we were together, and I will always wish you well now and always. Learn from the mistakes you made with me and grow and change to be better for your future self, your family, and your children. Don't hurt people if you can avoid it and continue to be a good and kind human being. You're still young as I always tell you and you have your whole life ahead of you so live that well. 

After you read this, I hope you sleep tonight feeling calmer, less stressed, and more loved knowing that you are okay, and that you will be okay. Take care and Don't Worry! I'll be okay too...

Thursday 31 August 2023

Waiting

Why am I waiting for moments like these?

The pouring rain and the sound of the late-night taxis backing up in my parking. 

Loud music booming from their jukebox,

And me here like a foolish fool.

Rushing towards the window pulling the curtains 

Each time, waiting on you!

How bizarre…

There are a few people who appreciate you, 

And enjoy your time and take the time to make time for you,

There are a few people who use you,

Distress the heart from the mind, 

and take their time to use you for the moment,

There are a few people who try to love you,

Genuine or not, they plan to stick by you.

until it’s time for you or them to make one last mistake,

And there are a few people who want to know you, 

but they simply cannot even try due to reasons.

So, they choose to love you in silence from afar…

I’ve met so many people with so many intentions…

Sometimes my brain and my heart can’t decide.

All the plans we made for two.

And yet here I am wondering...

Which one of you will actually show up!

Tuesday 25 July 2023

Who are you?

Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
Perhaps that's the safest place for us to meet.

Why do you keep appearing in my dreams?
where you're constantly looking for me,
chasing for that comfort
a love that never was...

Gawa Jinme, a song even in my dreams that stands on repeat.

What is it that I miss about you so much?
Is it all the searching we did for each other?
The painful silence and the unknown,

But I still continue dreaming about you.

Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
Why do my memories seem jumbled?
Like pieces of a puzzle from one you, another you, and a new you?

legend has it that if you appear in my dreams,
Is it because you're thinking of me too?

I close my eyes to continue my dream but then you're gone by then
I try to relive it, but the essence of you in it slowly disappears the harder I try,

And I wait for another day to end.
Another night to follow,
So I can try to meet you there again...

 

Friday 5 March 2021

Once Bitten Twice Shy

I've had people stab me in the back
I've had people take advantage of my kindness
I've had people slap me in the face
I've had people call me all sorts of derogatory names
I've had people use me only to get what they want
I've had people ruin my reputation to clear theirs...


Never had someone head over heels for me
Never had someone confess their love for me
Never had someone call me their one true Love
Never had someone wanting to wait on me forever
Never had someone write me a suicide note
Never had someone wanting to die for me...


The Kindness in the Heart reflected in the eyes
They say that the eyes speak of the truest feelings
And I saw the Kindness in those eyes!



Wednesday 12 February 2020

What is this?


How can I live knowing that I’ve ruined a life?
Life is not a compensation,
Neither a game to gamble upon it
Life is meant to be lived only once,
Precious as it is pursuing dreams and goals…

I don’t know how I can ever forgive and forget
knowing that  someone’s life is messed up because of me.
They say time heals everything,
 But really does it?

After two failed marriages and a baby
What did I learn?

Self-Respect?
Self-Worth?
Self-Love?
Self-Understanding?

At this point of my life,
I’ve come to care less of who thinks what of me
And focus more on being a better version of myself
To correct the way forward
To learn to forgive to live and let go…


Friday 8 November 2019

My Blue Heart💙

So sudden the waves come riding
Leaving behind a speck every single tide
If I collected all the specks it left behind
would it be enough to hold and feel everything I want to feel...?

The teachings of my soul
Little rusty but still intact
It hovers at the call of my name
It wants to seek at every void that cannot be filled...

This strange pull of love
Drawing in strategically silent
That low vibration of fear
High intensity of passion I seek...

My heart is my place of worship
I intend to seek refuge here
Knowing my endless faults and accepting the consequences
I took this silent leap of faith again...

With no hope we meet in our dreams
Where reality is blurred by what seems fiction
The blue sunshine outweighs the grey clouds
And it all started because she smiled... 

Sunday 18 August 2019

May we Be

Why cant we individuals be HAPPY?
We are always trying to live and be in the moment
that we forget everything else around us.
We become ignorant to the fact that even simple loving is pain.

Someday when we lose everything and everyone we ever cared about
That will be the day we regret the decisions we take now
Not even death can alert us
As it will only be a memory that's soon forgotten...

We lose the genuineness
And get consumed by what is trending,
An honest gesture of pure love
But only to be questioned a thousand times and over.....

Where did it all go wrong?
Are we blinded by what we do not see and only hear?
Kindness and Compassion simply for humanity
With empathy that drives our soul in directions...

May we be the generation that reflects
May we be the generation of do-ers
May we be the generation of self lovers
May we be the generation of givers and
May we be the generation that brings forth change!

Its too early to lose faith in humanity...

16.08.19

Will the real P please stand up! (Feb 2021-October 2023)

What is the use of feeling nostalgia when all I remember is not how hard he loved but rather how I was deceived? Looking back at the thousan...