Will the real P please stand up! (Feb 2021-October 2023)

What is the use of feeling nostalgia when all I remember is not how hard he loved but rather how I was deceived? Looking back at the thousand pictures still stored on my phone, it all remains a memory. A memory that is soon forgotten due to my clouded memory. I let him step into my world from the beginning and let him experience my life for the last 3 years. I even took the leap of faith and risked by stepping into his world, but nothing turned out well as months went on...

I trusted you with my life and in the end, it looks like I cannot trust myself to love you anymore. Not only me, but my daughter trusted you as well. She looked up to you as a father figure when she had none and even called you Daddy...

I looked beyond our imperfections and went forth with us. I accepted the person you were and built upon this new friendship embracing what was yet to come but little did I know that it would be just a few years of knowing people for who they are. We accompanied each other for the last few months through all that we went through and managed to stay strong, yet we broke each other in the process. The red flags in the beginning should have taught me to be cautious of you but the voice inside of me chose to forgive you and carry on the hurt in silence. That was my despair, and you were not there with me to fight this feeling together to make me regain the trust that I had lost in the process. We wanted a love that will never dilute even when the waters get deep and dark. 

When I love, I love so hard and that is my weakness not just with you but with everyone I chose to accept into my life. You helped me conclude my instincts that people never change and that I should not try to change anyone to fit into my life. You added something to my life over the last two and half years, and even though we were not meant to stay together for longer than our time together I chose to let go. I grew to be comfortable in your comfort and I grew to be understanding of the lies you fed me when really, I thought that this was really us going forward.   

I hope the times you walked alongside me and the memories we created will live on through the vivid moments we had and even though friendships eventually die, I hope the friendship I made with the SG I knew back then in 2021 will be a reminder to you because reality was what brought us down. I cannot change you, only YOU can do that for yourself and not anybody else. All I can do is remind myself constantly and continue to be kind always... 

I don't know what is sadder and heartbreaking than knowing that over time I will slowly forget the little details of you until my memory is hazy, blurry like a dream I once had and cannot remember anymore. I hope you find peace and comfort knowing that you were loved deeply and truly by me when we were together, and I will always wish you well now and always. Learn from the mistakes you made with me and grow and change to be better for your future self, your family, and your children. Don't hurt people if you can avoid it and continue to be a good and kind human being. You're still young as I always tell you and you have your whole life ahead of you so live that well. 

After you read this, I hope you sleep tonight feeling calmer, less stressed, and more loved knowing that you are okay, and that you will be okay. Take care and Don't Worry! I'll be okay too...

Heartless

 I love too hard that’s always been my fault

I don’t know what’s worse Feeling so much hurt Or feeling nothing at all?

Tore my heart into pieces, Just to make your heart feel whole again.

Was I hopeless? Or just too broken? To see what was staring right into my eyes.

If I’m honest... I always knew it inside of me, but chose to ignore the signs, and live in his lies because I loved him.

Waiting

Why am I waiting for moments like these?

The pouring rain and the sound of the late-night taxis backing up in my parking. 

Loud music booming from their jukebox,

And me here like a foolish fool.

Rushing towards the window pulling the curtains 

Each time, waiting on you!

How bizarre…

There are a few people who appreciate you, 

And enjoy your time and take the time to make time for you,

There are a few people who use you,

Distress the heart from the mind, 

and take their time to use you for the moment,

There are a few people who try to love you,

Genuine or not, they plan to stick by you.

until it’s time for you or them to make one last mistake,

And there are a few people who want to know you, 

but they simply cannot even try due to reasons.

So, they choose to love you in silence from afar…

I’ve met so many people with so many intentions…

Sometimes my brain and my heart can’t decide.

All the plans we made for two.

And yet here I am wondering...

Which one of you will actually show up!

Who are you?

Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
Perhaps that's the safest place for us to meet.

Why do you keep appearing in my dreams?
where you're constantly looking for me,
chasing for that comfort
a love that never was...

Gawa Jinme, a song even in my dreams that stands on repeat.

What is it that I miss about you so much?
Is it all the searching we did for each other?
The painful silence and the unknown,

But I still continue dreaming about you.

Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
Why do my memories seem jumbled?
Like pieces of a puzzle from one you, another you, and a new you?

legend has it that if you appear in my dreams,
Is it because you're thinking of me too?

I close my eyes to continue my dream but then you're gone by then
I try to relive it, but the essence of you in it slowly disappears the harder I try,

And I wait for another day to end.
Another night to follow,
So I can try to meet you there again...