Saturday, 26 November 2011

Deep thoughts at 2 am: Part II

Continuation (Part 2)

...When it all came to me as a surprise I accepted it and challenged the way I feel about this person! Days turned to weeks, weeks into months and then a year and 3 months... With distance it seems shorter but it has been quite the journey and I can almost like compare it to a car... If it doesn't get enough conditioning and servicing time to time on a regular basis then it won't seem to function in a proper manner nor will it work in the long run. Similarly, relationships too need this conditioning whether it is the individual or the relationship as a whole picture!!!
With 11/15 months being apart on a short term basis to every 4 months, it has taught  me to bare with the stormy tides and hope for a better weather once it's all over :) and that's what I exactly did... I tried and held on to see if I could love or if he could teach me how to love...

This made me feel stronger than I was before, braver to endure and then smarter to fight decisions and by being precautions about my actions so the same mistakes won't happen twice!!
Of course, I would be lying if i said that my relationship with my partner is perfect as firstly nothing is perfect even if we keep trying to get there but i mist acknowledge that we do have quite a bond as compared to the other couples around us!Being apart from each other for strenuous weeks continued this one year and 3 months but it has taught me that "you must never try to change who you are at the cost of others, not to be taken advantaged off by your own blood and  some times Accept that friends are just bad at keeping in touch!!
So i musnt expect anything from anyone and as time went by just like the passing clouds from above, I kept my heart and emotions closed out to the rest of the world as I thought and believed that it is possible to love suddenly. With days we started playing this game called loyalty where we had to build trust up... But I tumbled like the boulder of Sisyphus who kept trying to push it up the Mountain and it kept rolling down once it reached the top!!! Of course human fallacy is inevitable and I didn't intentionally start conversations knowingly with the officer but rather it was a built up of friendship that led the road elsewhere instead of the middle path! Nothing else was involved but naive conversations and messages and I guess feelings do stray apart when you lose touch!

It was the month of April earlier this year where I felt neglected and ignored by my partner and guess who was there for me? The other guy who listened to my stress, shared jokes, light hearted conversations and kept me company when I needed the most.... The bond got closer after that and I really considered him a good friend but life always has a funny way of presenting situations in the most unexpected manner so when I was back home in the summer, it all spilt out like a jack in the box! Sprang out to surprise everyone including myself actually... I had no idea where it was all going except that i knew it had to end somewhere and it did.. They say that every beginning comes from some other beginning's end and just like that the last strand holding back was snipped with a huge scissor that didn't come from my hand. "Mitagpa" as my tattoo reads means impermanence and a lot in life have i realized are not permanent right from relationships to friendships, things, situations and some times there are things that you just cant see until it gets too late...just like people who flip out at the last minute or all of a sudden you start to see after 3 long years of knowing the person and then all of a sudden he's a total stranger that you start to question yourself why you didn't see that coming in the first place? It's also plainly said by many that "Love is Blind" and i can't agree more to it as i clearly didn't see what i got myself into and now i do understand it all after stepping out for the freshest air i ever did breathe... 

Like Camus in his novel, he says much of our life is built on the hope for tomorrow and yet tomorrow is a step closer to the end (death) and thus it becomes our very own enemy as people live so uncertain about life and death that once the world seems so estranged and inhuman, true knowledge of it all and the rationality just cannot explain the world. Everything becomes absurd and meaningless once it is recognized...Just like that uncertainty continues to rule our lives making me realize how important everyday is to live to the fullest with no regrets and set backs.

to be continued to Part III ...

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