Reverse Heart

Every conversation feels like a breakup
And every poem feels like another goodbye
What is the meaning of this?

A constant reminder stuck in time
A reverse clock moving ahead but rewinding backwards
A reverse heart feeling and unfeeling simultaneously...

My horoscope this week was right
To protect my energy from those who hurt me and have been hurt by me 

But I let that feeling win me over
A constant losing battle in an uphill climb
I fear death will approach me soon
And I’ll be gone and forgotten like I was meant to be… 

She Devil

Often the devil comes knocking,
in the truest form of a WOMAN
She is beautiful, she is mysterious, 
She makes you fall in love easily.

You cannot take your eyes off her,
once you've seen her naked
She is honest and vulnerable,
She makes you want her desperately.

Oh! A pure seductress
with men falling on her feet
One by one they taste her poison,
And yearn for her foolishly.

Men will be men!
They only like what they see,
very few will only realize she's a demon,
But the rest are cast under the spell.

A spell that destroys lives
No turning back to normalcy
Disillusioned and careless,
She wants none of their business.

Will the real P please stand up! (Feb 2021-October 2023)

What is the use of feeling nostalgia when all I remember is not how hard he loved but rather how I was deceived? Looking back at the thousand pictures still stored on my phone, it all remains a memory. A memory that is soon forgotten due to my clouded memory. I let him step into my world from the beginning and let him experience my life for the last 3 years. I even took the leap of faith and risked by stepping into his world, but nothing turned out well as months went on...

I trusted you with my life and in the end, it looks like I cannot trust myself to love you anymore. Not only me, but my daughter trusted you as well. She looked up to you as a father figure when she had none and even called you Daddy...

I looked beyond our imperfections and went forth with us. I accepted the person you were and built upon this new friendship embracing what was yet to come but little did I know that it would be just a few years of knowing people for who they are. We accompanied each other for the last few months through all that we went through and managed to stay strong, yet we broke each other in the process. The red flags in the beginning should have taught me to be cautious of you but the voice inside of me chose to forgive you and carry on the hurt in silence. That was my despair, and you were not there with me to fight this feeling together to make me regain the trust that I had lost in the process. We wanted a love that will never dilute even when the waters get deep and dark. 

When I love, I love so hard and that is my weakness not just with you but with everyone I chose to accept into my life. You helped me conclude my instincts that people never change and that I should not try to change anyone to fit into my life. You added something to my life over the last two and half years, and even though we were not meant to stay together for longer than our time together I chose to let go. I grew to be comfortable in your comfort and I grew to be understanding of the lies you fed me when really, I thought that this was really us going forward.   

I hope the times you walked alongside me and the memories we created will live on through the vivid moments we had and even though friendships eventually die, I hope the friendship I made with the SG I knew back then in 2021 will be a reminder to you because reality was what brought us down. I cannot change you, only YOU can do that for yourself and not anybody else. All I can do is remind myself constantly and continue to be kind always... 

I don't know what is sadder and heartbreaking than knowing that over time I will slowly forget the little details of you until my memory is hazy, blurry like a dream I once had and cannot remember anymore. I hope you find peace and comfort knowing that you were loved deeply and truly by me when we were together, and I will always wish you well now and always. Learn from the mistakes you made with me and grow and change to be better for your future self, your family, and your children. Don't hurt people if you can avoid it and continue to be a good and kind human being. You're still young as I always tell you and you have your whole life ahead of you so live that well. 

After you read this, I hope you sleep tonight feeling calmer, less stressed, and more loved knowing that you are okay, and that you will be okay. Take care and Don't Worry! I'll be okay too...

Heartless

 I love too hard that’s always been my fault

I don’t know what’s worse Feeling so much hurt Or feeling nothing at all?

Tore my heart into pieces, Just to make your heart feel whole again.

Was I hopeless? Or just too broken? To see what was staring right into my eyes.

If I’m honest... I always knew it inside of me, but chose to ignore the signs, and live in his lies because I loved him.

Waiting

Why am I waiting for moments like these?

The pouring rain and the sound of the late-night taxis backing up in my parking. 

Loud music booming from their jukebox,

And me here like a foolish fool.

Rushing towards the window pulling the curtains 

Each time, waiting on you!

How bizarre…

There are a few people who appreciate you, 

And enjoy your time and take the time to make time for you,

There are a few people who use you,

Distress the heart from the mind, 

and take their time to use you for the moment,

There are a few people who try to love you,

Genuine or not, they plan to stick by you.

until it’s time for you or them to make one last mistake,

And there are a few people who want to know you, 

but they simply cannot even try due to reasons.

So, they choose to love you in silence from afar…

I’ve met so many people with so many intentions…

Sometimes my brain and my heart can’t decide.

All the plans we made for two.

And yet here I am wondering...

Which one of you will actually show up!

Who are you?

Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
Perhaps that's the safest place for us to meet.

Why do you keep appearing in my dreams?
where you're constantly looking for me,
chasing for that comfort
a love that never was...

Gawa Jinme, a song even in my dreams that stands on repeat.

What is it that I miss about you so much?
Is it all the searching we did for each other?
The painful silence and the unknown,

But I still continue dreaming about you.

Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
Why do my memories seem jumbled?
Like pieces of a puzzle from one you, another you, and a new you?

legend has it that if you appear in my dreams,
Is it because you're thinking of me too?

I close my eyes to continue my dream but then you're gone by then
I try to relive it, but the essence of you in it slowly disappears the harder I try,

And I wait for another day to end.
Another night to follow,
So I can try to meet you there again...

 

Once Bitten Twice Shy

I've had people stab me in the back
I've had people take advantage of my kindness
I've had people slap me in the face
I've had people call me all sorts of derogatory names
I've had people use me only to get what they want
I've had people ruin my reputation to clear theirs...

Never had someone head over heels for me
Never had someone confess their love for me
Never had someone call me their one true Love
Never had someone wanting to wait on me forever
Never had someone write me a suicide note
Never had someone wanting to die for me...

The Kindness in the Heart reflected in the eyes
They say that the eyes speak of the truest feelings
And I saw the Kindness in those eyes!

What is this?

How can I live knowing that I’ve ruined a life?
Life is not a compensation,
Neither a game to gamble upon it
Life is meant to be lived only once,
Precious as it is pursuing dreams and goals…

I don’t know how I can ever forgive and forget
knowing that  someone’s life is messed up because of me.
They say time heals everything,
 But really does it?

After two failed marriages and a baby
What did I learn?

Self-Respect?
Self-Worth?
Self-Love?
Self-Understanding?

At this point of my life,
I’ve come to care less of who thinks what of me
And focus more on being a better version of myself
To correct the way forward
To learn to forgive to live and let go…

My Blue Heart💙

So sudden the waves come riding
Leaving behind a speck every single tide
If I collected all the specks it left behind
would it be enough to hold and feel everything I want to feel...?

The teachings of my soul
Little rusty but still intact
It hovers at the call of my name
It wants to seek at every void that cannot be filled...

This strange pull of love
Drawing in strategically silent
That low vibration of fear
High intensity of passion I seek...

My heart is my place of worship
I intend to seek refuge here
Knowing my endless faults and accepting the consequences
I took this silent leap of faith again...

With no hope we meet in our dreams
Where reality is blurred by what seems fiction
The blue sunshine outweighs the grey clouds
And it all started because she smiled... 

May we Be

Why cant we individuals be HAPPY?
We are always trying to live and be in the moment
that we forget everything else around us.
We become ignorant to the fact that even simple loving is pain.

Someday when we lose everything and everyone we ever cared about
That will be the day we regret the decisions we take now
Not even death can alert us
As it will only be a memory that's soon forgotten...

We lose the genuineness
And get consumed by what is trending,
An honest gesture of pure love
But only to be questioned a thousand times and over.....

Where did it all go wrong?
Are we blinded by what we do not see and only hear?
Kindness and Compassion simply for humanity
With empathy that drives our soul in directions...

May we be the generation that reflects
May we be the generation of do-ers
May we be the generation of self lovers
May we be the generation of givers and
May we be the generation that brings forth change!

Its too early to lose faith in humanity...

16.08.19

Love Conquers All

You gave me meaning
I don't always have the right words to say
All this searching and you're the best thing that I've found
I know you're here to stay...

You let me say all the stupid things I say
I know I make mistakes and Let you down
You stretched out your arms and held me tight
Loved me more than I ever knew...

We may not be perfect and trust me no one is
We may get jealous and insecure
We may bleed love more than we know
But we are both here to stay now...

We learn from our mistakes
We may fall many times but we always try
"Love conquers all"
And we know to pick ourselves up every time...

The Mysterious Heart

I count the ways you let you down 

and I'm losing track on the numbers now 

Your clever words can't help you anymore

I am lost and disgusted
I tried to keep you close but you're slipping out...

 

When did the Rain suddenly become a Storm? 

Even you can't stand whats happening with us

We could have had it all

but the blame was always on me

and we strayed off course...

 
Holding back won't turn back time
Believe me, I've tried

even if I could turn back time, 

You'd still be the same

with your secrets and lies

running like a dog 

making me fight like a bitch too much...

 

You never believed in me and we fell apart

Soon you'll just be somebody that I use to know  

I was so happy after so long

I should have known it was all momentary

Our ship's gone down too soon

So I drowned myself before it could drown me...

 
They say it's always darkest before the light
And that's enough for me to try

I know I loved you

And I still do but now it's whatever you want

Your freedom and Peace of Mind 

for your Happiness I will walk away...

 

Even if I say that it's over now
Even if we want to move on somehow

Even if I wanted to walk away

I know it will be without any regrets

I was never good enough for you...

 

Whoever said that love was sweet 

drank a little too much whiskey

All the fairy tales bullshit me
I wouldn't change a thing about myself
'Cause from today self love starts...

Love is Pain

I have driven this road too many times
That even the curves and the bends are familiar with me.
The same feeling each and every time;
I'm way too good at convincing myself
that each time the road will be a different one...

Taking a leap of faith and unsure
if I am following my instincts;
or just going along with my heart without using my brain,
that usually seems to be the case
or it is my anger which drives us away?...

When two people fall in love
Its always one person loving the other more,
I knew only of the abusive love I was feeling.
Instead of seeing who I was as a person
And believing in myself more
I was stuck in limbo...


I believe in Fate, I believe in Destiny
Maybe we loved deeply in another life
that we found ourselves here now,
I want to grow with the decision but
Confused how to Love...

I Trust Myself
I Trust my Path and
I Trust my Intuition.
It's You that don't Trust me
Nor the Path we set out for ourselves...
 
Maybe I felt you more than life usually allows of me,
I don't know.
Maybe I never fixed what was broken inside of me,
I don't know.
I am not perfect, neither are you!
But I know I have it inside of me to Love...

Phuket Diaries: Day 1

1st Feb 2018 started with a 3:30 am flight from Don Mueang Airport to Phuket and we were all on the plane like we were drunk, especially me because I fell asleep as soon as I sat on my seat and woke up when the plane landed. I felt nothing nor did I hear anything during the entire flight. 

 Got a taxi for 800 baht to Patong which was about a 40 minute ride from the airport. Luckily no traffic so we made it to the hotel in a jiffy(Surprisingly there were no multi-colored cabs like we see in bangkok here in Phuket except the limos/reserved ones or the red open back type jeepneys blasting latest chart toppers which are hiked up pricey depending on your thai speaking skills)...

We booked out hotel on Agoda and since we all had no idea about Phukhet, we were glad we booked Patong because it happened to be the happening scene of Phuket with beach, night life and great choice of restaurants. We arrived at about 6am at a small reception of the Paton Bay Residence Hotel located right by the entrance and even though we had early check in on our agoda settings, they were slightly hesitant on handing out our room keys but seeing our half awake faces she were empathetic. The rooms were ready and we got the keys and off we hit the beds right away. No such scenery from the window but a lot of construction adjacent to our rooms on the 4th floor. That morning we weren't bothered by the noise of the drilling at the site as fatigue came in sooner than we imagined. We all slept till noon and decided to freshen up and head out for lunch.

We came by a restaurant PS2 by a connected resort and had some Thai Food and made out way to the Beach. On the way to the beach we decided to book a tour for the next day to the islands. we chose Phi Phi Islands from a local tour operator called Top 10 and paid 1300 Baht per person to visit Phi Phi Islands+May Bay and Green Islands via Speed Boat starting at 8am inclusive of Lunch and return back in the evening with Hotel pick up and drop off. We are not sure if we were ripped off on the price but we saw on the brochure that it cost about 3000 Baht per person and we managed to get a good deal for1300 baht. (Not sure if it was a good deal or not as we forgot to ask the other passengers on the boat regarding their fare per person that day)...

Then we headed towards Patong beach. A nice place to walk around under the trees and the guys took a dip into the sea while I took refuge under a palm tree watching them gleefully swim in the salty waters under the scorching sun along with a few hundred other people on the beach as well. 

I slipped away from the hot sand under my feet in search for  bottle of water to drink but instead found myself walking towards a blue ice cream lorry playing a creepy tune (the ones that play in the movies and a clown is selling the ice cream) attracting people on the beach as it moved along slowly up and down the beach pathway. I had a plain choco bar and it sure tasted good after a really really really long time. 

The boys took a dip twice in the sea before calling it quits for the day as the excitement meter was slightly falling due to the hot sun and the salt in the water I guess. I was dressed in pants and hadn't come ready to jump into the sea like them so was left along the sands people watching and getting amazed at people and society...

The beach was mostly filled with foreigners (I could identify a lot of Russian speaking tourists and Chinese tourists). I didn’t expect a lot of Russians to be visiting Phuket so did a slight homework research and found out that a lot of Russians have settled here in Phuket and Pattaya after the Soviet Union with settled businesses and illegal operations running in the market. It is said that Russian mafia runs alot of the businesses here from restaurants, cafes, hotels to night clubs. Bangkok post reported that Russians are involved here in Phuket with gambling, casino, money laundering, buying national forests, luxury houses and real estates, and paying off corrupt government officials and police individuals. The gang that is prevalent here is called "Spachiba"...

Then we walked back to the hotel and rested a bit till it was time for dinner. We walked down the streets of Patong and came across a mall called JUNGCEYLON and found a huge range of food options. We all love some good food after a long day of travel and sun so we chose korean and had some bibimbap. Not the best korean food we had but it was alright for Patong standards. after meal we caught a local taxi and headed back to the hotel to rest our aching feet.        

All Falls Apart

When it all makes sense
All senses fall apart

When the heart loves wholeheartedly
The love falls half apart

When trust is gained
All that is gained falls apart

When words leaned upon by strangers
Seems to weigh heavier than your own

Straight path lost in diversions
Emotions like a headless chicken
All breaks loose
All falls apart...

2018 Resolutions~

This year 2018:

I will try to make the most of my time with my family and my close friends. I will pick quality over quantity and prioritize my relationships with everyone of them. I will not let them dictate my life and choose my path for me. I will be patient with them and I will remember their birthdays/anniversaries every year whether their gesture is reciprocated or not. I will not have any expectations and be grateful for every small act of kindness shown to me. I will take care of my mother, call her often and visit her frequently too. I will not complain nor get angry at any given situation. I will avoid any confrontation with anyone and cut out all toxic/unhealthy relationships.

I will focus on being the best I've ever been and the most fittest I've ever looked. I will work on myself everyday and try to be better and learn more about myself as the weeks and months go by. I will try and stop every once in a while and remind myself to slow down and love myself time to time as well. I will try and wake up early mornings and embrace nature by going on walks often. I will be open to hiking and visiting new places every month and capture those beautiful moments.

At work, I will always be sincere and work with integrity.  I will work hard and reap the benefits of my labour at the end of every month and be proud of what I have achieved. I will  be productive and do some research to learn something new everyday. I will open my mind to the endless opportunities and explore avenues of learning. I will not complain when I have no work but instead I will use my time meaningfully to be proactive and productive in and outside my work sphere. I will try and read at least one book a month and reflect on it after I've read it.

I will continue to be kind and compassionate and help those who need to be helped but not letting them take advantage of my goodwill. I will have boundaries and also remind myself when I do no have enough myself that I can't help everyone around me whenever I can.

Borderline~

People and feelings are both weird
One minute you are on cloud nine
And the next you're falling straight from it
A steep drop...

How does one even give it a try again?
The ink from the pen written on the blank sheets
Emptiness in words that stay
Felt only through the scar of the etching of the rewritten pages

In the beginning I thought I was made for loving you
But my soul just couldn't be re-touched
I searched every corner
And I ended up alone...

My heart honors my intuition
But my soul is not here
I can't change into someone Who I am not
Nor can I pretend to be another person...

Friends lost, new gained
Blind love reckless burning
Regrets slowly fading
But how can one actually forget?

Emptiness

The feelings associated with departure
Always leaves a strong impression on me
That emptiness and the hallow feeling
Almost associated with loneliness...

Watching images drift away smaller and smaller
fading into the distance
my heart falls heavy each time you or I leave
yearning until our souls meet next...

The feeling you know so damn sure
And yet the heart is in complete denial

Why does this hurt ten times bad?
Why does this seem too hard to deal?
Why does this heart keep hoping?
Why...?

If this love is pain
Well lets hurt tonight...

I'm suppose to be able to sleep With or without you
But this sleep is far drifted into the horizon
And I'm here wide awake
With all these thoughts running around without any goal...

Scar tissues unable to dispose
Skeletons out of the closet
Forgive and never forget

Trust lost
Trust gained
Decisions and enough with issues already!
 

Waiting For Romeo~

One of the most famous lines that struck me today was from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II where Juliet is bidding goodnight to Romeo. She says:

"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow..."

 In the real world, Juliet found herself saying goodbye and not knowing when she will see her Romeo again. Even though his depart was a sweet sorrow, she was clueless when her morrow might be. She was afraid her morrow will never come again. Oh how she desperately wanted to see Romeo again but she knew it was not possible for a long time. Romeo was gone afar and this time she couldn't really stop him from leaving.

Juliet knew deep down in her heart why he left and she let him go slowly knowing he would return to her one fine day. She felt heavy hearted and something inside her was missing when he left. He was always what kept her heart beating anxiously and waiting for news of his arrival is all what she was anticipating for.

This time she knew it was true. She didn't mind this time seriously! Somehow she wanted to be this person always and maybe this was who she was all this while. She was stronger and made more difference around her and he was always supportive of her efforts. He had a big heart as well and somehow that's what made him beautiful too. Maybe that's why she and him were both beautiful souls waiting like the stars to collide.

Days soon turned into weeks, she was searching for all the memories she could hold on to. Romeo was far away, unreachable by anyone besides his own kind. Juliet was dealing with her own issues in the mean time. She has a lot of house keeping to do and that stressed her every single day waiting, hoping and praying! She wanted to start right this time on a clean slate and she knew it was the best way to start her new life but she had to wait...

If only she had the support from her parents.. She was sorry she fell in love when she wasn't suppose to. She was someone better when she was with him and she knew he was better with her as well. Romeo and Juliet confessed of their love and both of them knew that in the beginning it was merely passion that soon turned into love but later on he realized that he needed her in his life just as much as she would be the one who could bring him happiness.

Everything she needed was in front of her and she knew that she was going to be alright if she believed in her self a bit more but she couldn't ignore the signs that she was getting. The feeling all seemed a different purpose that she didn't want to admit.

Juliet waited a few more days in pain but alas she was relieved to know that she was alright. The pain was suddenly gone and then she began to promise herself that she would never ever go back towards the path she once took that went off-road as the lights were unclear and there was another paved road at the junction. Juliet found herself through this experience and saved herself from herself.

She continues to wait...
Wait for herself
Wait for her Romeo... 

This Hurt

Like smoke rising from the wet tiles
It slowly began to hit me
with arms wide open
I screamed on the top of my lungs
"It is what it is, It was what it was and It will be what it will be,
So come what may..."

I sat down in the middle of a half empty room
packed boxes and an empty cupboard
faded smell of the fragrances
tears swelled and I couldn't control

The heart sometimes deceives you
leads you on a whole different journey
we are all dealing with our very own demons
But morning will always come.

I've laid down my heart
Initially Loved you more than Love could  have ever known
I wasn't expecting to turn my heart around
Now I'm dizzy and I cant see straight
Even my heart has gone cold...

The road to redemption isn't far
The road to recovery is near
I am definitely stronger than I seem
and this hole in my heart will be...

Will be... but a memory...